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70 Funny Parents Quotes that Sum Up Parenting to a Tee New 2020

funny quotes about raising a child

Every now and then in parenting you just need someone to relate to you; from the need for sleep to the endless clean-ups. Just in case you can’t get the real thing today, here are some ridiculously funny quotes about parenting that sum up life as we know it. We’ve pulled together the best of the best in hopes of giving you a laugh!

70 Funny Parents Quotes that Sum Up Parenting to a Tee

funny quotes about raising a child

Funny Baby Quotes for New Parents

  • “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.”
  • “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable” -Lane Olinghouse
  • “Having children is like living in a frat house- nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano
  • “Parenthood is the scariest hood you will ever go through.”
  • “If evolution works, how come mothers only have two hands?” -Milton Berle
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funny kid quotes about parents

  • “Both of us can’t look good at the same time; it’s me or the house.”
  • “You know your life has changed when  going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.”
  • “Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this?
    • Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” @mommy_cusses
  • “I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.”
  • “The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” -Paul Reiser
  • funny rules for new parents
  • “Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet; no one really knows how.”
  • “Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: everyone is yelling, everything is sticky, it’s the same music over and over again, and occasionally pukes.”

Funny Baby Advice Quotes & a Dose of Reality 

  • “75% of every parent’s daily calories probably come just from licking knives.”
  • “I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.”
  • “Hell hath no fury like a toddler who’s sandwich was been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.”
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  • “It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.”
  • “’So I stepped away for like two seconds…’ the beginning of a parenting horror story.”
  • “I’ve been building my son’s trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I’m going to hit him with a ”˜too slow.’ Welcome to the real world, son.” -Trevor Williams
  • “One day I will be thankful that my child is strong-willed, but that will not be today.”
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  • Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
    • Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
    • Me: Ok. puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time.
  • “They say it takes a village. Where can I get directions to this village?”
  • “Before kids: Why are they called ‘throw pillows’? After kids: Oh.” [email protected] 
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  • “Do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,427 times a day.”
  • “A three-year-old is a walking talking middle finger.”
  • “When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I am really saying is, ‘Please forget’.”
  • “Before I became a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by asking them to put pants on.”

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Parenting Quotes About Raising Kids & Teens

  • “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost
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  • Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much.
    • Me for real: YOU’RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT -Vampire Valerie
  • “Tweens are like a box of chocolates. You never know which personality you are going to get.”
  • “The only thing kids know how to wear out faster than shoes are their parents.” 
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  • “’Ugh it’s so hot!’… gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘SPLASH ME AGAIN AND I’LL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.’” -Salty Mermaid
  • “My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the greatest 2 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.”
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  • “Wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
    • Wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?”
  • “We would all love to be Pinterest Moms, but it’s okay if you turn out to be more of an Amazon Prime Mom.”

  • “Cherish the day you buy your minivan because that will be the last day it is ever clean.”
  • “Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”
  • “If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the WiFi and watch them slowly appear.”
  • “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”
  • “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours” -Conan O’Brien
  • “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”
  • “Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.”

  • “Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” -William Galvin
  • “Parenting tip: Wine”
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  • “The hardest part of parenting is being fake mad when they do something that is actually hilarious.”
  • “Being a mom means developing ‘The Look’”
  • “I gave you life, you give me all the Reese’s.” Every mom, every Halloween.
  • “At bedtime, all children become dehydrated philosophers who need a hug.”
  • “The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”

  • “Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?” -Alyson Hannigan
  • “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” -Dorothy Parker
  • Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
    • Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
    • Four-year-old: Why?

Celebrity Quotes

  • “Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.” -Ryan Reynolds
  • I think we could really come up with a list of 1000 funny parenting quotes, but who has time for that? We have kids who need us! 
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  • “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” -Carrie Underwood
  • “I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.” -Reese Witherspoon
  • “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” -Julia Roberts 

Do you have a great parenting quote? Let us know in the comments so that we can share!

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